If I am being honest, I have failed again, and again, and again.. i HATE the feeling of failure. I hate admitting failure. I hate sharing failure. It's the worst feeling to know that you had a dream, a goal, and an obligation to do something; and even with your best intentions, best knowledge, and best efforts- you still Fail.... Typing these words has me ugly crying... and as if feeling it wasn't enough, I am now sharing it with the world. YES. I have experienced failure, I have experienced defeat. I have experienced those moments of frustration in yourself. The worst part, is that those moments tend to linger in my head and those failures STILL haunt me, no matter how many years go by. Yes, I am primarily speaking about my business, but that isn't my only set of failures I am thinking of. I have feelings of failing my husband, my friends, and my family .all.the.time. Because between my barbershop hours, my weddings/sessions, and editing, it leaves me little-to-no time to cook,
clean, and spend time with my husband- never really giving him my undivided attention.
because while I cook, clean, or we go on walks together-
my business, the to-do lists and stresses are ALWAYS on the back of my mind....
I lose sleep over worry, I lose sleep over nerves. I lose sleep over fears of failing.
My time is constantly consumed with my business, and the worst part, is that because of my past mistakes I feel the need to consume my every minute with perfecting my business overnight.
I try so hard to please others, saying YES to everyone and anyone;
while I try to seem like I have everything under control...
but the dirty truth is... I feel like a failure 80% of my time. And not really because I keep failing,
but because I never have had the courage to fully face my past failures.
And am consumed with the thought that I am never going to learn from them or get past them.
No one wants to fail, no one wants to feel ashamed of their mistakes....
and yet that is where I am.. beating myself up over every.little. goof up.
This post is VERY heavy, and very hard for me to write..and is not at all intended to seem like I am unhappy; because I am EXTREMELY happy and IN LOVE with weddings, couples, and photography in general. but my point is this, behind all the glamorous photos, and fun instagram stories;
is just a young girl with plenty to learn, plenty to do, and plenty of worry and fear of failure inside.
but here come the good behind every harsh word.... My husband is my backbone, and is daily showing me God's never ending grace, even when I feel like ive failed far too many "9 times"....
Taylor is showing me that i AM good enough. that i CAN do it. that i WILL succeed. that i DO succeed. that I do my job well. that I cook and clean enough. that i AM there for him. that I am NOT alone. and last but not least... that its O.K. to fail. God has provided us with more than enough. He has given me incredible job where I get to serve the best couples in the world. and the funny thing is, I will never be perfect. but I am reminding myself that that is ok, and that I can keep going with my chin held high, even when I feel like hiding in the crowd. I have to remember and hold onto God's words. Phillipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".
I think the hardest part is going to be figuring out how to spin my past mistakes
from haunting nightmares into beautiful examples of
will power, perseverance, trust, acceptance, and learning opportunities.
My hope is that I will never stop saying yes to my friends and family- even when that means less sleep. Giving my best, even when my thoughts are filled with negativity. to never stop growing and learning. I will always strive to be greater than my yesterday.
I am learning that it's ok to face my fears, because God is with me wherever I go.
He helps me to get up the 10th time...
Photos by my friend Gabriella Espinda, edited by me.